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They say

They say no matter what you did she still would have done what she did

They say no matter what you said she still would have chosen to leave this world

They say she is in a better place, as the Bible says she went to hell. But clearly that can’t be true? Right? She was one of the sweetest most caring people in the world.

They say God won’t give anyone too much to handle, but she clearly wasn’t meant to die so young. I doubt she was meant to go out like that.

They say don’t dwell on the past and then they tell you to grieve, but how can you grieve if you don’t look at the past.

They say to not look back and only forward, but what happened in the past is what makes me who I am. You have to look back every once in a while to remember your strength.

They call it suicide, but the truth is she didn’t kill herself it was her mental illness

Mental illness is not something people choose to have. Be there for everyone because you never know what goes on in their brain

Mental illness is not a choice when someone jokes about killing themselves, they may not always be joking.

They say everything will be okay and more than ever I want to believe them. Because I need everything to be okay.

The first time I wanted to die I was only 8, 8 years later I can confidently say I have conquered that desire. I was able to smile again. I wish more than ever she would have been able to smile and be here with me today.

I know over the years her brain kept getting more and more filled with the fumes of mental illness.

These fumes continued to consume her thoughts and no one was able to save her.

She is in a better place now. I know she is happier now. I just wish she knew that it would have gotten better.

With proper ventilation, the smoke could have slowly cleared. She would have been able to inhale fresh air and exhale the fumes.

Slowly as the fresh air resuscitates her thoughts there would come a day where her thoughts would not constantly be filled with the toxic vapors of her mental health.

There would come a day where death only crossed her mind once a day. Then once a week. Then once a month.

If you or anyone you know is struggling remember to keep your head up darling. Because there will be a day that you haven’t thought about death for a day. For a week. For a month. For a year.

You’re doing amazing. Just getting out of bed once is one step closer to a day of happiness. A week of happiness. A month of happiness.

By Taylor Kranz

We live in a world

We live in a world where the ability for one to be open minded and open is a losing art.

We live in a world where the act of kindness is vanishing just like high school friends

We live in a world where one’s sexuality affects us more than the wars going on around us

We live in a world where one will obsess over how others act than are own actions

We live in a world where oblivious is becoming more common than gratitude

We live in a world where everyone’s feels the need to fit in but little do, they know everyone is fake to some extent and feel the same as them

We live in a world where we our all slowly becoming more and controlled but we don’t realize our freedom is slowly vanishing because were too busy trying to compete with our peers

We live in a world that less and less people are surviving we are all learning are own skills to survive

Young kids are practicing self-mutilation as though it’s a hobby

Young kids are popping pills like they are tic tacs to try to numb the pain of this world

Little do we realize it’s not the world that is cruel it’s the people in it

Little do we acknowledge all the beauty the world contains because we are too caught up on celebrity’s life than what’s around us

Disassociating

The dissociating is becoming the recurring seasonal allergies that I’m starting to get all year long
It begins to sweep me off my feet like the person I always hoped would
It starts slowly with crying randomly at the simplest thing
Leading to the emptiness which slowly leads to the lack of ability to cry just the desire to feel again
It leaves me stuck with the emptiness which I begin to realize is a lot worse than crying
It feels like I’m living but with only one eye open
I begin to feel like my body is no longer owned by me
I begin to feel like what I do is no longer in my control I’m being played like a barbie doll, but the worst part is I’m playing myself and don’t feel like I have any control
But that sounds ridiculous to those who have never experienced dissociation
It comes in waves i don’t remember the last time I fully felt like I was in my own body
I knew i was becoming dissociated when my ability to have empathy became nanoscopic
I worry that the waves of dissociation will always haunt me
Because they don’t ever stay away for too long
Along with the dissociation from time to time comes the insomnia the lack of motivation the lack of energy the small desire to get out of bed
But the lack of ability to fall asleep
I force myself to get out of bed if I’m not going to do anything
I try to write but writing feels like running a marathon where I have to keep pushing past the urge to just stare at the wall and zone out
And more than ever I wish I could cry to just remind myself that I have emotions
All the traumatic things I have been through rush in, but I still lack the ability to fully feel
This is the point where I wonder if it will ever get better
I start to question my existence
Which quickly leads down a rabbit hole of why I am still living if this will never fully go away
But everyone around needs me and is struggling little do they hear me screaming
I begin to have more nightmares when I do sleep but they all consist of past traumatic events ‘I don’t know how long this episode will last
But I’m not sure every time I get one of these episodes, I will have the desire to wait it out nor the strength

The never ending heart attack

Anxiety is having a heart attack sometimes or that’s how it can feel

Maybe that’s just the dramatic side or my personality though

But I don’t say anything instead I try to take deep breathes but it turns into quietly breathing faster and faster

Hoping this pain in my chest that feels like a heart attack that will kill me goes away soon

I’m in public so I have to be okay

Nothing is wrong “I’m just tired” or “I just have emotions because I’m on my period”

I feel like the moment I say I’m anxious it will make it worse or I’ll be perceived as weak

But maybe I am having a heart attack maybe it’s not just anxiety

This what if thinking has my mind spinning, my chest tightening, my breathing slowly getting to point of hyperventilating and my body shaking

Although I’m fine

I can smile and laugh I can make sarcastic comments still..

the only issue is when I’m trying to hide my emotions I become more sarcastic which can be perceived as me being a bitch

Deep breathing

Breathe in 5,4,3,2,1

Hold 5,4,3,2,1

Breathe out 5,4,3,2,1

Repeat but breathing in makes me start to think I’m drowning in oxygen

Holding makes me feel like I’m being suffocated

Breathing out makes me remember how anxious I am because if I was fine I wouldn’t be doing this

Then the nausea kicks in making my mouth start to fill with excess salvia

My breathing enhances my shaking worsens I start to fidget with things

My body randomly jerks and tenses

The Crippling Earthquake

Just like that within a second old memories came rushing in

Like an earthquake that happened out of no where

There was no way to predict such a simple thing could bring me back to that event

So, there I was sitting on the bus prating deep breathing

But how do you breathe when you feel like your lungs are collapsing

My body began to shake and there was not a thing I could do but try and seem strong

It felt like a whole day passed on a fifteen-minute bus ride, but I survived

However, I don’t really feel like I’m surviving much

I feel like I’m constantly on edge and the simplest thing will bring me back to that event

The event where I screamed, I yelled no but it didn’t matter

I tried to move but its like my body was parallelized

It’s been about three years roughly and somehow; I still find myself going back that event, but the memories feel so strong

It’s almost like I can feel the pain and the emotions I felt that night

When I begged no, and it didn’t mean a thing

He got off with a plea deal and didn’t have to admit to a thing he had done to me

Clock

My mind is like a clock at points

It just keeps going there is a constant ticking

The only way to turn it off is by taking out the batteries, but the batteries is my heart and I can not take my heart out and say I’m still living

As I look around I see all the people I know fading, fading, fading

Tell one day all I look around and can’t even see their shadow

Its as thought they were never here

It seems like those photos we were once in together

They have dissapered from

Or maybe it’s just my vision I don’t see things the same lately

Maybe I need to get some glasses with some new lenses to see things from a new point of view

Changes

How quick the world can be affected in a matter of months

The theatres that used to be packed with people watching the famous

The grocery stores that used to be fully stocked and only occasionally running out of the seasonal finest desserts and tea

The restaurants you could once sit in and take your time to order while having small talk about the latest celebrities news

The gyms you could once go too, to exercise trying to burn off that extra donut you had or become fit

The hair salon you could once go too after a breakup or a need for change

How quickly the world can be affected in a matter of months

The theatres that used to be filled with people are now streaming new movies on tv like it is just as enjoyable as seeing it live

The grocery stores grappling to keep up with supply for all the demands people are having on irrational things like toilet paper

The restaurants have modernized their online menu so you can order online and get it delivered to your home or car

The gyms are closed for safety reasons as though people burning 10,000,000 calories a day was ever safe

The hair salons closed to decrease the number of people being near each other… so now people are just cutting their hair maybe some of their skin too

How quickly the world can be affected in a matter of months

Small talk and gossip about celebrities no longer seems to be the main trend

Agonizing about someone’s sexuality or religious beliefs no longer seems to be so worrisome

Judging someone based on their political standpoint no longer seems to be so relevant

How quickly the world can be affected in a matter of months

Now we have strangers helping each other get food from the grocery stores and checking on their mental health

Now we have democrats and republicans coming together to try and find the safest way to go about it

Now we have countries who claim to despise each other giving advice to one another

How quickly the world can be affected in a matter of months

By Taylor Kranz

Anxiety

Anxiety is like a heart attack only this kind you can’t go to the hospital for…. it is the one where you just have to take deep breaths and pray it will go away soon

Anxiety is like irrational thinking and worrying about everything that could happen and go wrong years and years into the future

Anxiety tries to be a fortune teller however the only fortunes anxiety knows are the ones where everything goes wrong

Anxiety is like an annoying friend who won’t leave you alone not even to pee

Anxiety is “what if” thinking at three am rather than sleeping

Because clearly you would rather overthink everything in life,and feel like your lungs are slowly being collapsed. While rocking yourself back and fourth hoping you won’t throw up and eventually your mind will turn off from exhaustion.

But it turns out anxiety had to much caffeine today and would rather stay up all night. Although anxiety doesn’t want to be alone… so it turns out you will be up all night with anxiety to keep it company

By Taylor Kranz